Stuck On You
by Cliodhna
Summary: Post Epilogue. A spell goes awry that causes Ron and Dudley to stick together. Literally. Chaos, endless jokes, and trips to Hogwarts ensue, until Hermione can undo the spell. Meanwhile, Ginny's heavily pregnant and Dudley's fiancée is totally mistified.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to J K Rowling, and of course, the title is from the 2003 Greg Kinnear/Matt Damon film.

A/N: Okay, so it's been a ridiculously long time since I've put up a brand new story, and this has been bubbling away at the back of my mind for a while. It'll be a short series – no more than around six or so chapters. I'll be keeping the chapters fairly short too, so I can update more often. I hope you enjoy it! Read and review, as always – and if you're into Fred and George, check out my fic Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts. Also - voting is now open at the Sunnydale Memorial Fanfiction Awards - if you like my writing, drop in and vote for me and my three nominated stories, Potential, La Cara Verdadera, and Sineya.

Chapter One

'Thanks for coming, you two,' Harry said quietly. 'She's getting pretty uncomfortable; I think she'll like to see you.'

'You seriously owe us, Harry,' Ron muttered. 'Making me hang out with my hormonal little sister while her first pregnancy gets longer and longer overdue? That's a really, really big debt.'

Hermione elbowed Ron in the ribs. 'Don't listen to him, Harry; we're happy to be here. Where is she?'

'She's in the living room – she hates having to walk upstairs, so she's sleeping in there.' Harry took the trunk Ron and Hermione had brought with them and sent it upstairs to the guest bedroom with a flick of his wand.

'Hermione!' Ginny said gratefully, as her sister-in-law entered the room. 'Thank goodness you're here. Harry's getting quite stressed.'

'What about you, how are you feeling?' Hermione sat down next to Ginny on the couch, and fussily adjusted the blanket covering her knees.

'I'm okay. Just impatient, you know? I'm not nearly as immobile as Harry seems to think,' she sighed, batting Hermione's hands away.

'He's just worried about you,' Hermione assured her.

'Hey, Ginny,' Ron said as he ambled into the room. 'How's it going?'

'Still pregnant,' Ginny shrugged. 'Not much is new.'

'Are you hungry, Ginny?' Harry asked anxiously, entering the room just behind Ron.

'A little,' she admitted. 'Have you got any -'

'Cockroach Clusters? Yeah.' Harry disappeared into the kitchen, fetching Ginny's favourite pregnancy food.

'Cockroach Clusters?' Ron asked, looking repulsed. 'You are the weirdest pregnant girl ever.'

'She's craving them, Ron, she can't help it!' Hermione scolded him.

'They're actually quite nice,' Ginny aid mildly. 'Have you ever tried them?'

'I have,' Harry said, reappearing with a dish of the sweets. 'They're pretty vile.'

'I knew it!' Ron said, plonking himself beside his wife.

'So how's everyone? How's George?' Ginny asked her brother. 'How's the shop?'

'It's doing very well, thank you,' Ron said. 'And George is fine. We've just opened our third branch.'

'How's the one in Hogsmeade doing?' Harry said, perching himself on the coffee table in front of the couch so he could face Ginny.

'Actually, we got a letter from McGonagall the other day, congratulating us on the fact that prank rates at Hogwarts have never been higher,' Ron chuckled.

'Not even in Fred and George's heyday?' Ginny asked interestedly.

'Apparently not. I think McGonagall's getting soft in her old age though. She sounded more amused than angry.'

'She's turning into Dumbledore,' Harry grinned.

'Hey – isn't that your owl, Harry?' Hermione said, staring out of the window.

'Yeah, it is,' Harry said, jumping up and unlatching the window so the sooty owl could fly through it.

'What have you got for us, Aurora?' Ginny asked. 'If it's another letter asking if I'm still pregnant, send it back, please.'

Harry grinned at Ginny before opening the envelope. 'It's a muggle envelope – that's odd,' he mused.

He opened the letter folded inside, and his expression settled into a grimace. He slowly sat back down on the coffee table.

'What? What is it?' Ginny asked, alarmed?

'It's – it's…' Harry trailed off, looking miserably at the letter.

'Give it here,' Ron snatched the paper out of his hands. 'Ha!' he laughed. 'He has to go and visit his cousin!'

'What? Why?' Ginny asked, looking annoyed.

'He's getting married,' Ron said, scanning the letter. 'He wants you and Harry to meet the lucky girl.'

'_Dudley's _getting married?' Ginny asked, incredulously, remembering their first and last meeting, which had _not_ gone well. 'But he's the dullest person alive!'

'Is there any way I can get out of it?' Harry asked his friends desperately.

'Oh, you have to go, Harry!' Hermione said in exasperation. 'You can't just say no on the grounds that he bores you!'

'Here's an excuse,' Ron said, his brow furrowed. 'You write back and say 'Sorry Dud, but I've got a heavily pregnant wife on my hands. Send us a photo of the wedding. Bye.' Would that not work?'

'I'm for it!' Harry nodded fervently.

'Harry, he's your cousin, and he obviously cares about you if he wants you to meet his fiancée,' Hermione said sagely.

'I agree with Hermione, Harry,' Ginny said, rubbing her swollen stomach.

'I though you were supposed to be on my side,' Harry shot at her.

'Nope, that's one of those myths about marriage,' Ginny shrugged. 'I'll go with you, if that makes you feel better.'

'No! You can't!' Hermione exclaimed. 'You can't apparate, Ginny! Not in this state!'

'Wow, Hermione. Your maternal instincts are stronger than mine,' Ginny chuckled.

'So!' Ron butted in, attempting to direct them back to the matter at hand, and avoid the subject of Hermione's maternal instincts. 'What to do about Harry's predicament?'

'Well I'm not going alone,' Harry said firmly. 'And someone needs to stay here and look after Ginny.'

'I'm not a child!' Ginny said indignantly.

'Yes, but you've got one inside you,' Ron said mildly.

'I'll stay with her,' Hermione said, desperately trying to make sure she would not be the one stuck for an afternoon with Dudley.

'But I'm her brother!' Ron protested.

'But I'm the one who's not completely freaked out at the thought of her going into labour,' Hermione said pointedly.

'That's a fair point,' Ginny said. 'I don't particularly fancy you screaming every time I have a contraction.'

Ron visibly shuddered. 'Fine. I'll go with you, Harry.'

Harry sighed. 'I hate visiting Dudley.'

'You've only done it twice in the last six years,' Ginny pointed out. 'And you initiated one of those meetings.'

'I wanted to make sure they were still alive, after the war! Now _that's_ a decent reason to want to see someone!' Harry sulked.

'Ooh, look who's hormonal now,' Ginny said patronisingly to Hermione, who chuckled.

'You'd better send him a reply,' Hermione said, producing parchment and a quill from her handbag, and handing them to Harry.

'Thanks, Hermione,' he said sarcastically, slipping off the table and onto the floor.

'I don't have any ink,' he complained, placing the parchment on the table so he could write his reply.

'It's one of the shop's self-inking ones,' Hermione explained, gingerly picking up a cockroach cluster and sniffing it.

'Dear Dudley…no, that's too…wrong,' Harry muttered. 'To Dudley? Maybe…'

Hermione raised the sweet to eye level. Ron was watching her, looking revolted.

'I'd love to come…no, it would be a pleasure….no. Um…Dinner sounds fine. Yes…' Harry scribbled haltingly on the parchment.

'If you don't eat that soon, I will,' Ginny said warningly to Hermione.

'If you eat that thing, I won't kiss you for the rest of our lives,' Ron said threateningly.

'Empty threat,' Hermione said, rolling her eyes, but passing Ginny the cockroach cluster anyway.

'As you know, Ginny's pregnant, and so won't be able to join us…' Harry muttered. 'But I'm bringing my friend Ron, if that's alright…'

Ron snorted.

'We'll be there around six…' Harry paused, scratching his chin with the feathery tip of the quill. 'Looking forward to it,' he finished. 'From Harry.'

'Well that's just a downright lie,' Ron said grumpily.

'What? It's _definitely_ from me,' Harry said, eyebrows raised.

'Yes, but we are most certainly _not_ looking forward to it.,' Ron grumbled.

'Yeah, well, we don't all have _perfect_ relatives,' Harry said with a smile, as he leaned forward to kiss Ginny, who beamed. Harry turned to face his best friend again, to find him looking even more disgruntled than before.

'Thanks. That makes me feel loads better,' he rolled his eyes.

'C'mere, Aurora,' Harry called to the pretty dark feathered owl that was still perched on the windowsill. She flew above their heads before coming to rest on the coffee table, where Harry magically sealed the scroll of parchment, and fastened it to her leg. 'Don't freak him out this time, okay?' he said to the bird, stroking her soft feathery head. She nipped him lightly on the finger before taking off out of the window.

No getting out of it now, he thought.

'No getting out of it now,' Ron sighed sadly. Harry chuckled.

'At least it's just tomorrow, and then it'll be over and done with,' he said resignedly to Ron, who nodded dejectedly.

'I'd better have had this bloody baby by then…' Ginny muttered darkly, cheering them up slightly.

A/N: It's very short, I know. I know I said the chapters were only going to be little, but they will get a little longer than this. Let me know what you think – the real story starts next chapter, and reviews make me work faster…so you know what to do!arryHa


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: I'm feeling quite into this fic right now, so I'm gonna update already. I hope you're enjoying, and don't forget to leave a review.

Chapter Two.

The front door was white. That really bright, artificial white. It was probably some kind of plastic, he thought. There was a stained glass centre panel, and a doorknocker, which Harry assumed was merely decorative, as there was a doorbell to the left of the door. Stalling for time, Harry peered around the small front garden. The driveway was neat, he noticed, but the lawn was longer than Vernon would have kept it. And there were no chrysanthemums, but there was a bright little flowerbed next to the wall, filled with pansies, tulips, and a few others that Harry couldn't remember the name for.

He stared upwards and took in the front of the house. It was pebble-dashed, and there were two windows on the upper floor. There was a small ivy-plant beginning to snake its way up the wall at the far right of the house.

Harry scratched his nose, and turned his head to look at the street behind him. It seemed fairly quiet, quite a nice street…Dudley must be making quite a bit of money at the firm with Vernon, Harry thought…

'Oh for the love of Merlin,' Ron shoved past Harry, grabbed the doorknocker and slammed it against the door a few times, all the while glaring at Harry for wasting so much time.

Harry glared back at him. 'There's a doorbell, you know,' Harry said, pointing at it.

Ron looked cynical. 'Muggle contraptions,' he said scathingly. 'What's wrong with a doorknocker?'

Suddenly they heard footsteps on the other side. The door was then thrown open by a slightly dishevelled looking woman with dark hair, who was wearing an apron that had flour shaped handprints all over it. Her eyes widened as she saw who was at the door, before her face split into the biggest grin Harry had ever seen.

'You must be Harry,' she said, holding her hand out.

Harry shook her hand and nodded mutely, still taking in her appearance. She was quite pretty, he supposed, not really the type he'd imagined.

She released him, and turned to Ron. 'You must be Ron Weasley then?'

'Yeah,' said Ron, shaking her hand like Harry.

'Come in, come in, Dudley will want to see you.' She waved them in the direction of a small but bright kitchen.

'I think this recipe's wrong…' Dudley said as they walked into the kitchen. 'Oh – Harry!' he said, turning round. 'And Ron. I never heard the doorbell go!'

'No – Ron used the doorknocker,' Harry said tonelessly as he looked around the room. This was a different place than the last time Harry had been to visit Dudley. Then it had been a spacious flat for one – this was clearly a cosy home for two.

'Yeah…sorry,' Ron muttered.

'I see you've met my fiancée, Connie?' Dudley said, putting his thick arm round her.

'Yeah, hi, Connie,' Harry nodded.

'Blimey, Dudley, what have you done here?' Connie said, peering into the pot of whatever Dudley had been making. Dudley shrugged helplessly. 'I'd better fix this,' she said. 'You boys go into the living room and catch up – I'll be right in.' she smiled at Harry. 'He tried so hard in the kitchen, he does, but I always seem to end up finishing the cooking!'

Harry let out a feeble chuckle, whilst Ron smiled weakly.

'Uh…this way,' Dudley said, shuffling back into the hallway and into the front room.

'So…how you been, Harry?' he asked, sitting down on the largest armchair.

'Yeah, I've been alright, Dudley,' Harry said, sitting next to Ron on the couch. 'Um – you?'

'Yeah, been keeping alright,' Dudley continued nodding long after his statement. 'How's Ginny?'

'Oh, you know. Still pregnant.'

'Right,' Dudley laughed nervously. 'And you, Ron, how are you?'

'Oh, I'm, you know,' he faltered. 'Alright.'

'Good. That's good,' Dudley smiled haltingly. 'And Hermione?'

'She's alright too,' Ron said helplessly.

Dudley nodded.

'And, uh, how's Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia?' Harry asked, attempting a smile.

Ron raised an eyebrow at Harry.

'They're good, yes. On holiday at the minute,' Dudley said, thankful to have found a topic.

'Anywhere nice?' Harry asked, also feeling grateful. Ron rolled his eyes.

'Wales,' Dudley supplied.

'Oh. Nice,' Harry said.

'Yeah…' Dudley stared desperately out of the window.

A thick silence fell, only broken, what seemed like an eternity later, by Connie coming through the door with a tray of drinks.

'Oh thank goodness,' Ron muttered.

'I've got us champagne, seeing as this is a cause for celebration!' Connie said brightly.

Harry and Ron exchanged a look.

She handed out the glasses, and Harry gulped his down appreciatively, Ron barely concealing a chuckle at his friend's discomfort.

'So!' said Connie, perching on the arm of Dudley's chair, and squeezing his shoulder.

Harry looked desperately at Ron, who, looking alarmed, said; 'So, um…where did you two meet?'

He caught Harry's eye. Harry nodded, impressed.

'Nice one,' he whispered.

'Well, we were in London, at that big bookshop on Charing Cross Road – do you know it?' Connie said, looking fondly at he fiancée.

'Oh yeah, very well,' said Harry, grinning. That was right across the road from the Leaky Cauldron – not that she'd ever know.

Ron was looking slightly revolted by how much Connie seemed to like Dudley.

'Anyway,' she said, pulling her gaze away from his, 'he was staring out of the window at the street opposite, right in front of the book I wanted! I asked him to shift – and the rest is history!' she laughed.

Harry caught Dudley's eye, who looked away very quickly. Staring at the street opposite, was he? Harry chuckled.

'How did you and your wife meet, Harry?' Connie asked.

'School,' Harry said.

'Oh. Um – you and your wife, Ron?' she tried again.

'School,' Ron said.

'Interesting,' Connie said. Dudley looked at her desperately.

'How was your journey, then?' Connie said, making another brave stab at conversation.

'Oh, it was fine,' Harry answered for both of them, he could tell Ron was no longer listening.

'Fine?' Connie said slyly. 'Did you apparate, or use the Floo Network to some nearby wizarding place?'

'What?' Harry yelped, slopping some of his champagne down his front. Ron snapped out of his reverie, and was now looking at Connie with trepidation in his face.

'You told her?' Harry hissed at Dudley.

'It's not his fault,' Connie said, still smiling, as if something major had not just occurred. 'I was asking a lot of questions about your family, and then one day he just let it slip. After that I made him tell me the whole story.'

Harry was gazing, open mouthed, at his cousin. 'You do realise this isn't some bedtime story you can tell anyone, Dudley, don't you?'

Dudley looked frantic. 'Yeah, I know, Harry, I'm sorry!'

Ron pointed at Connie. 'You cannot tell _anyone_ about this, you!'

'I know!' Connie said, putting her hands up defensively.

'I am gonna get so many owls from the Ministry if this gets out…' Harry muttered running his hands through his hair. 'I may have saved the Wizarding World, but if I single-handedly make the International Statute of Secrecy pointless in one move, they will _definitely_ fire me!'

'I'm not going to tell anyone, Harry,' Connie said calmly.

'She won't, Harry,' Dudley said firmly.

Ron rolled his eyes. 'At least I can do this now,' he said, before conjuring a tumbler of Firewhiskey.

Connie looked completely flummoxed. 'I thought you couldn't do magic outside of school? That's what Dudley said,' she frowned, looking at him. He shrugged helplessly.

'Well, obviously we can once we've left school, otherwise what would be the point?' Ron said harshly, downing his Firewhiskey, and shuddering.

Connie looked surprised. 'Fair point, really…' she muttered.

'I'm sorry, Harry – I really am,' Dudley said anxiously.

'I know you are Dudley – stop saying it now. You're really creeping me out.'

Dudley nodded.

Another silence fell, broken again, at last, by Connie.

'Hey – now that you know that I know – can you tell me fuller versions of how you met your wives?'

Ron looked completely drained. 'Me, Harry and Hermione became friends after we knocked out a mountain troll together in a girl's bathroom at school. And we officially got together just after we ripped the fangs out of a dead basilisk's mouth.'

Connie gulped. 'Okay,' she said, with the kind of expression on her face that said she was in over her head. 'Harry?'

Harry looked up from his feet, which he'd been staring at dejectedly while Ron spoke. 'Ginny's Ron sister, so we always knew each other…but we got together after Ginny won the Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor, and I served a detention because I accidentally almost ripped another student to shreds.'

'Nice,' Connie said, looking pale.

'Oh, I'm not finished,' Harry sighed. 'Then we broke up after our headmasters' funeral, and I went on a year long hunt for bits of an evil wizard's soul. After he died – that's when our charming fairytale began.'

Ron looked impressed. 'Nice summary, mate.'

'Thanks; you too,' Harry laughed weakly.

'Is there any chance the food's ready yet?' Dudley asked Connie helplessly.

'No, sorry, it'll be another half an hour.'

Harry bounded up. 'Not if you let me and Ron at it!' he cried desperately.

XXXXX

Five minutes later, they were all around the dining table, enjoying a hastily magically enhanced meal.

Harry was shovelling as much food in his mouth as possible, so that his mouth was always full, and he would not have to answer questions. Whenever his plate neared emptiness, he would refill it magically and keep eating. Ron was counting the ways in which he could entertain himself in his mind. _I could try _Levicorpus _on him_, he mused. _Or _Langlock. _Or_ Waddiwasi…_I've got some chewing gum with me._ _That'd be funny…_

Dudley and Connie were eating in near silence, until finally they cleared their plates. Regretfully, Ron ate his last bite, and all three of them turned to Harry, who still had a full plate and looked faintly green.

'So, tell us about Hogwarts, Ron,' Connie suggested, tearing her eyes away from Harry, who was looking weary.

'Um – it's a big castle. Full of magical stuff,' Ron screwed his face up. 'It's next to a forest that's got, like, unicorns and centaurs in it. And the kitchens are manned by house-elves.'

Harry gulped down the mouthful he'd been working on, and lethargically reached for his wand to Vanish the remains on his plate.

'I think I'm going to throw up,' he wheezed, after the plate was wiped clean.

'Was it not good, Harry?' Connie said worriedly.

'It was fine – I just ate about four times as much as you did…'

Dudley and Connie exchanged looks, but did not question him further.

'So…with magic – do you have to say funny words and wave your wand? Or can you just point a finger, or wriggle your nose?' Connie asked, clearly having desired to pose this question for some time.

'Wands and words,' Ron grunted. 'Like this -'

He made a movement with his wand, and Dudley was hoisted into the air by his ankle.

'You didn't say anything there!' Connie said, confused, as she watched her husband fall to the ground again.

'Yeah, sorry, that was a non-verbal spell,' Ron said, helping Dudley to his feet. 'I just really wanted to do it.'

Harry chuckled slightly, before looking queasy. Then, rolling his eyes, he pointed his wand to his stomach and Vanished half the contents.

'That's so much better!' he sighed, rubbing his previously aching stomach, and chucking his wand onto the tabletop.

'Do you know, Harry, I used to sneak into your room and read your magic books whenever you weren't there,' Dudley said quietly. Ron looked so astonished, he forgot to return to his seat, and stood standing by Dudley like a tall, redheaded statue.

'You did?' Ron screeched. 'Harry used to talk about how much you hated magic!'

'I was taught to, I suppose,' Dudley said, shrugging. 'But I used to take, oh, I don't know, wooden spoons, and wave them around like a wand, saying the words I found in your books.'

Harry smiled slightly. 'Really?'

'Yeah,' Dudley shook his head, and absentmindedly picked up Harry's wand from the table. 'Just silly random Latin words I'd find, like '_Cohesum!_'

Harry began to laugh, but stopped suddenly, when billowing red smoke began to envelope Dudley. Connie started coughing violently, and Harry jumped to his feet and attempted to claw his way through the smoke. 'My wand, Dudley, give me my wand!'

'Harry?' Dudley's faint voice sounded, before the smoke started to fade.

'Dudley!' Connie cried, as her fiancée's face emerged from the fog.

'Ron?' Harry called, concerned.

Ron's long arm appeared, waving more smoke away. 'I'm okay, Harry, I'm just –'

'Just what? What's wrong Ron? I don't know what happened, it was Dudley saying something whilst holding my wand – I don't – I don't …_bloody hell!_' Harry exclaimed. Connie covered her mouth with her hand.

'Oh my…' she said, unable to say much else.

Ron was desperately trying to move, but it was proving impossible. 'What's happened to me?' he shouted. 'Why can't I move?'

'Because,' Harry pointed. 'Because you're stuck to Dudley.'

'What?' Ron and Dudley yelled in unison.

'You're attached to Dudley,' Harry said. 'You're like – like conjoined twins.' A smile began tugging at the corner of his lips. 'And I'm not sure what or how Dudley did what he did.' Harry fought to keep a straight face.

'You better not find this funny, mate!' Ron fumed, trying to pull himself away from Harry's cousin.

'You're stuck together!' Harry burst out, unable to keep from laughing any longer.

Connie, taking her lead from Harry, began to chuckle weakly too, as if unsure what to do. Dudley looked terrified.

Ron was furious.

'I'm getting Hermione to see this,' he huffed, grabbing Dudley's nearest wrist, and manoeuvring him into an upright position, disapparated them out of the dining room.

Harry was still laughing as Connie tugged fearfully on his sleeve. 'Where have they gone?' she asked, terror alive in her face.

'Come on,' Harry said, placing his hand in hers. 'I'll show you.' Then he followed Ron back to his and Ginny's house, where, at the next sighting of the Ron/Dudley hybrid, he dissolved into helpless laughter once again.

A/N: Please review, I need feedback for this one.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I really hope you're enjoying this story so far. I know it's been a stupidly long time since I last updated, and sorry it's a pretty teeny chapter, but I've been getting the writing itch lately, so please look out for new updates coming soon! I've also recently updated the oddly popular 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts,' and I'm hoping to get something up on 'Between the Lines' soon. Remember to have a look at them, and read and review please!

* * *

Chapter Three

Harry and Connie whirled into the hallway of Harry and Ginny's home just in time to see Ron and Dudley awkwardly stomp into the living room. Harry burst out laughing again at the sight of their lopsided gait, and followed them into the room, just as Ginny yelped 'What in the name of Merlin's happened to you?'

Harry strode over to the sofa and kissed Ginny in greeting. Hermione looked too stunned to speak.

'Hermione, Ginny, you'll remember my big cousin Dudley,' he said happily. 'And that's his fiancée, Connie.'

Connie waved half-heartedly from the corner. Harry flopped down onto the couch, and Hermione finally found her voice.

'How?' she said simply.

'No idea,' Harry shrugged.

'Help me!' Ron whimpered.

'Any chance we could sit down?' Dudley asked his other half.

Ron glared at him, and they shuffled over to the couch opposite where Ginny, Hermione and Harry sat.

'Nice place you've got here, Harry,' Connie said politely, and somewhat awkwardly, perching alone on the remaining couch.

'Yes, I'll have to give you a tour sometime,' Harry said, still smiling.

'Harry, stop taking pleasure from this!' Ginny nudged him sharply. 'Ron, tell us exactly what happened.'

'Well…' Ron looked a little helpless. 'We were all talking, and I'd just used Levicorpus on Dudley, so I was helping him up – and I was just standing next to him, and then he picked up Harry's wand, and 'poof!' …here we are. Stuck together.'

'Dudley said something – a word in Latin,' Connie added.

'What word?' Hermione asked, her brown furrowing.

'I…can't remember,' Connie said, her face twisted in concentration.

'I know,' Harry said, fishing his wand out of his pocket. 'Priori Incantatem,' he said, passing his wand to Hermione.

'Of course!' Hermione said, pulling out her own wand in order to perform the spell.

'Sorry – what?' Dudley asked, nonplussed.

'It's a charm which allows you to see what the last spell cast by a certain wand was,' Ginny said, massaging her bloated stomach.

'In this case,' Hermione said, lining the wands up, 'Harry's. _Prior Incantato_!'

The group watched as copious amounts of grey smoke issued from the wand. Harry frowned, as did the other three acquainted with these things. The image was distorted and blurry, and there was no indication of what the spell had been that had cast it. The image sputtered and blinked.

'Deletrius,' Hermione whispered, and the image disappeared. She handed Harry his wand back.

'What did that tell you then?' Dudley said, looking more confused than Harry had ever seen him.

'It told us nothing!' Hermione said angrily, staring at the empty spot where the useless image had been.

Ron made to get up, but was unable to without full cooperation from Dudley.

'Hermione – if I could get up right now, I'd be comforting you,' he said, casting another annoyed glare at Dudley.

'What could be causing this to happen?' Harry asked Hermione. 'What could make the Prior Incantato spell not work?'

'I think that it might be that he's a muggle,' Hermione hypothesised. 'And the wand can't recognise him as a user.'

'That doesn't make any sense, Hermione,' Ginny said, sitting up a little straighter. 'If the wand couldn't recognise Dudley as a user then nothing should have happened when he picked up the wand and said … whatever it was he said.'

'Co…co something,' Connie said, looking hopeful.

'That's great, thanks. Why don't we get you a Latin dictionary, see what pops out at you?' Ron said sarcastically, trying to cross his arms in annoyance, but finding it quite difficult to untangle himself from the much larger Dudley. Connie huffed.

'I'm trying to help,' she said defiantly.

'Actually, Ron, that's not a bad idea,' Hermione said, standing up and walking across the room to the large double doors behind the couch in which Ron and Dudley sat. She threw them open and disappeared into the mysterious room. Dudley craned his neck to see what it contained.

'A library?' he asked, surprised.

'Well, we've got a lot of books!' Ginny said, sounding annoyed.

'It came with the house,' Harry shrugged. 'Plus, Hermione and Ron stay here quite a lot, and it's good for distracting Hermione.'

At that moment, Hermione strode back into the room, with a large pile of books, which she sat down on the coffee table before falling back onto the couch. 'Your library isn't nearly big enough, Harry,' she griped, passing the first book to Connie, 'I'd start with the 'C's,' if your hunch is correct,' she said. Connie nodded.

'I'd love to help,' she said fervently. 'I'd really like to learn more about your world!'

The four Hogwarts graduates looked at her with trepidation. 'Well – Latin's very important in our world. I'd get right on that,' Ginny said, frowning slightly.

'She a spy?' Ron whispered to Dudley.

'No!' he yelped. 'No, she's not. She's just curious. And helpful!'

'She's curious and helpful in a sinister way, mate,' Ron said, attempting to shrug. And failing, comically. Harry swallowed a chuckle.

'Could it be _caelum_?' Connie asked the room.

'_Caleum_ means heaven, so probably not,' Hermione snickered.

'Um, mate,' Dudley said hesitantly. 'I don't mean to be any trouble, but…'

'What?' Ron said, tonally somewhere between irritated and downright terrified.

'I need to, you know. Go,' he said, apologetically.

'Oh no. No. No!' Ron spat. 'This was _not_ part of the deal! This was supposed to be 'awkward lunch with Harry's cousin, home for dinner with Hermione, bam, baby born by midnight,' not 'freakish hybrid Ron-slash-Dudley monster that has to_ pee_ together!''

'I sincerely hope it isn't actually 'bam, baby born,' Ginny said, looking queasy. 'That sounds painful.'

'I hate to say it, Ginny, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be painful either way,' Hermione said, patting her sister in law sympathetically on the shoulder.

'Yeah, at least 'bam' sounds like it'd be over quickly,' Harry shrugged.

Ginny turned to fix her husband with the steely stare he'd come to associate with the need to perform the _protego_ charm. 'I no longer love you, just so you know,' she said, and Harry chuckled and leant to kiss her cheek.

'Sorry to interrupt the lovey-doveys, mate, but Dudders is about to evacuate his bloody bladder and he wants me to go with him!' Ron exploded.

'Hey, it's not like I want you there!' Dudley interjected before Ron cut him off again.

'Any help here, please! Hermione?' Ron appealed to his wife.

'Sorry Ron, it's going to take a while. I've never heard of a non-magical being channelling magic through a wand before,' Hermione said apologetically.

'Looks like it's communal bathroom time, boys!' Harry said, genuine glee in his voice.

'Could it be _campana_?' Connie said, resurfacing from her book again. Dudley looked despairingly at his fiancée.

'_Campana_ means bell, Connie. That column on the right, that tells you the meaning,' Hermione said, not looking up from her own volume. Connie nodded fervently. 'Hey, did you know that the Koh-i-nor in the British crown jewels has a curse on it? Apparently only a woman can wear it.'

'Hermione, I love you dearly, but _why is that relevant?_' Ron hissed.

'Oh, it's just listed here as an instance of magic working around muggles. I just thought it was interesting,' Hermione looked up and burst out laughing at the sight of her husband. 'Sorry, I forgot for a moment!' she gasped, her eyes watery.

Ron had never before looked quite so likely to rampage.

'Come on Dudley,' Ron growled. 'It's this way.'

Dudley lumbered along, more or less holding Ron up, who was finding it easier to just allow himself to be carried along in Dudley's wake than try and have any input in the direction they were headed himself. However in this instance, that was something of a drawback. 'Wrong way, Dudley,' Ron said dryly.

They eventually ended up in the correct room, easing their way through the door sideways. 'This is bloody impossible!' Ron gasped, trying to rub his left shoulder with his left hand and failing miserably.

'So…how do we do this?' Dudley asked haltingly.

Ron considered it for a moment. 'I'm guessing you point and aim, and I close my eyes and hope there's no splashback.'

Dudley frowned. 'Alright.'

xXx

A considerable amount of time later, the two – or should it be one? The Ron/Dudley hybrid reappeared in the living door.

'I've never before appreciated so much the fact that you have a double door to you living room, Harry,' Ron grumbled, motioning Dudley toward a chair.

'You look a little pale, Ron, are you alright?' Ginny asked, looking up from where she had a small book balanced, open, on her baby bump.

'Turns out it's difficult to get a zip down with only one hand,' Ron huffed. 'And we figured I should go then as well so we don't have to do it again for as long as possible. No liquids for us please.'

Harry snorted. 'Sorry, mate,' he corrected himself momentarily, before convulsing into gigglers again. 'Sorry, but you should really see your face right now. George would love this. Hey, let's Floo him!'

'Let's not,' Ron said warningly.

'Who's George?' Dudley asked, attempting to sound casual. 'Big power in the wizarding world? Can he help?'

'Yeah! But only if you want ten-second pimple vanisher or Peruvian instant darkness powder,' Ginny giggled along with her husband. 'Ow! The baby kicked!'

'Yeah? Well I hope it hurt,' Ron huffed. 'George is our brother.'

'Could it be _coagresco_?' Connie asked again. 'That means 'to become sick at the same time.'

'Seems a bit vague,' Ginny said, flipping idly through her book. 'Hermione, did you mean to give me this?'

Hermione looked up from her steadily growing mountain of books and notes. 'Glad to see someone's taking this seriously,' Ron said, nodding approvingly at his wife.

'Actually a lot of these notes are amusing drawings of the two of you. I'm thinking of making a scrapbook,' Hermione said distractedly. 'And why, Ginny, what is it?'

'Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches,' Ginny said interestedly.

'Oh yeah, that was my contribution to the library,' Harry said, plucking the book out of her hands. 'Courtesy of your brother, anyway.'

'Courtesy of Fred and George, you mean!' Ron said, grinning. 'Still remains the only book I've ever read the whole way through without asking Hermione for help with the words.'

'No I didn't mean to give you than, Ginny, here, have this one,' Hermione said, handing her a much larger textbook and giving her husband a disapproving look.

'Oh,' Ginny said, coughing as she opened it and dust spewed everywhere. 'Can I have the little book back?'

Hermione glared at her. 'Only if you want Ron and Dudley to be stuck together forever!' she raised her eyebrows.

Ginny shrugged. Ron threw a book at her, which Harry deflected with a flick of his wand. 'Please don't throw things at my heavily pregnant wife, Ron!'

'She's making fun of my situation!' Ron complained.

'So am I, this is funnier than when you gave yourself that handlebar moustache!'

'Oh that _was_ a good one,' Hermione chuckled.

'_Colligo_? To gather together?' Connie suggested.

'I'll put it on the list of maybes,' Hermione said, jotting it down.

'I'm not being much help here, am I?' Connie said worriedly.

'Not in the classic sense, no,' Ron said scathingly.

'Ron, leave her alone, she's trying to help,' Ginny chastised him. Connie looked at Dudley. 'Aren't you going to defend me?'

'Huh?' Dudley said, his head shooting up.

'Nothing,' she said sulkily. 'This is useless! _Cognosco_, _coactum_, _cohesum_, _coloratus_, none of these mean anything, whether I'm holding a wand or not!' she slammed the dictionary shut and stormed out of the room. There followed a stretch of silence.

'She's not taking this too well, is she?' Ginny suggested.

'Doesn't seem to be finding the humour quite as much as us, no,' Harry agreed.

'Sorry, I think she's just overwhelmed,' Dudley said sadly. 'I don't think I'm doing a very good job of helping her out. I should never have told her about you all.'

'Well, obviously,' Ron scoffed.

'Not helping, Ron,' Hermione said tersely. 'Here, Ginny, you're basically useless in the research department right now anyway, why don't you go get Connie and talk her down?'

'Yeah, okay,' Ginny said. 'Hand, Harry?' Harry obliged, pulling her up off the couch and steadying her when she got on her feet.

When Ginny had waddled out of the room, Hermione turned to Ron and Dudley. 'You two should just go to bed. You're not doing anyone any help here. And who knows, maybe you need twice as much sleep now.'

'You're funny,' Ron narrowed his eyes at her. 'C'mon Dudley, there's a spare room next to the bathroom. I can't believe I have to share a _bed_ with you.'

'Not thrilled myself, mate!' Dudley said angrily.

'Come on, Harry, it's just me and you now,' Hermione said jovially, passing him an intimidatingly large volume.

'Hmm, yeah,' Harry said, peering warily at the tiny print inside. 'Don't you think it might be time to visit Hogwarts?'

A/N: Remember, I thrive on feedback! Review if you have any thoughts at all!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Look at me, getting a new chapter out barely a month after the last one! Hope you enjoy this, guys, please leave a review!

* * *

Chapter Four

'Mate, I'm not what you'd call comfortable, in the classic sense of the word,' Ron said, annoyed. Dudley had attempted to roll onto his side, with the result that Ron was now drooping off the side of Dudley, almost lifted off the bed entirely. Ron was a tall man, but Dudley's heft definitely gave him the upper hand here.

'Sorry, Ron,' Dudley said hastily, turning back to face the ceiling. 'I can't sleep.'

'Yeah, me neither. I'd actually rather be out there researching with my insane wife,' Ron sighed.

'I'm worried about Connie,' Dudley said, with the air of a small boy revealing a secret.

'Yeah mate, we all are,' Ron said cuttingly. Dudley did not respond.'While we're all stuck together like this though, we might take the opportunity to discuss your childhood a bit,' Ron said, his voice expressionless.

'Alright Doctor Freud,' Dudley said, joking nervously.

'Who?' Ron asked into the darkness.

'Never mind,' Dudley muttered. 'Mu-muggle psychologist.'

'Whatever,' Ron rolled his eyes. 'Why were you such an arse to Harry your whole life?'

'Not my whole life,' Dudley said weakly.

'Alright, up to age fifteen then,' Ron pressed. 'The way Harry tells it, you were like a jumbo-sized Draco Malfoy, before he got all pathetic.'

'I…don't know what that means,' Dudley said slowly. 'But I'm guessing it's not good.'

'Shocker, eh?' Ron snorted. 'So, shoot. We've got some time to kill.'

XXXXX

Harry had a pained look on his face as he turned the page of the book that was currently pinning him to his seat. 'Hermione, some books just aren't meant to be read.'

'Don't be ridiculous, all books are meant to be read,' Hermione said from behind her own volume.

'Not one that takes two people just to drag it off the shelf. I don't think I'm ever walking again,' Harry said trying to move his feet. 'Wingardium leviosa,' he muttered. 'Ahh, that's better.' He rubbed his knees as the huge book floated above him.

'Better do something with that, quickly,' Hermione warned, looking up briefly.

'Oh right,' Harry said, hastily directing the book to a patch of floor that wasn't currently covered in Hermione's notes and/or drawings. 'Hey, this one's good!' he said, reaching for the nearest sketch.

'Yes, I think I missed my calling as an artist,' Hermione said, grinning.

'Are you sure we shouldn't be heading to Hogwarts?' Harry asked for the umpteenth time that night.

'We haven't exhausted the resources here yet,' Hermione explained impatiently. 'I might be onto something here!'

'Really? Harry said, shifting a pile of books out of the way so he could perch himself next to Hermione. 'What have you found?'

'Precedent,' Hermione said simply.

'That really doesn't give me anything, Hermione, but thanks,' Harry said dryly.

'I found a precedent to what happened, here,' she pointed at a lengthy paragraph in the book she was reading. 'It's happened before.'

'What, someone's got magically stuck to their best mate's cousin before?' Harry said, sounding wary. 'How often can a thing like that happen?'

'No,' Hermione said, exasperated. 'A muggle has channelled magic through a wand before.'

'Le me see,' Harry said, tugging the book away from her.

'It has occurred in the year of 1678 that one Barnabus Fowl laid his wand next to his squib brother, who, in vexing his brother, proceeded to steal aforementioned wand. His brother, one Hermes Fowl attempted to hex Barnabus, but continued only to set his own hair on fire.'

Harry looked up at Hermione. 'Is this making some kind of sense to you?'

Hermione grabbed the book back. 'Yes, look, his brother, a non-magical person, picked up his wand and tried to hex him,' she explained patiently. 'And the wand sensed familiarity about the person – he was a blood relative – and so would actually possibly react to the squib casting a spell with it. But it wouldn't hex its owner, because – well, it just wouldn't.'

'Very succinct,' Harry said, looking pained. 'Explain again.'

'Dudley picked up your wand. Your wand – does it have a name? That would make explaining this a lot simpler.'

Harry looked at her. 'Does _your_ wand have a name, Hermione?'

She blushed scarlet. 'No, I was just checking.' She cleared her throat. 'So your wand sensed that Dudley was a blood relative of yours and allowed some of your magic to flow through Dudley.'

'If squibs or muggles could use the wands of their blood relatives, why wouldn't everyone do it?' Harry asked, confused again.

'It's a very rare phenomenon,' Hermione said, scanning the page again. 'Barnabus Fowl was an extremely powerful wizard, I think it only happens when the wand itself, and the wizard who owns it, are unusually powerful. For instance,' she said, looking up, 'my parents couldn't use my wand, neither it nor me is powerful enough to be able to siphon magic off into a muggle.'

'But I am,' Harry said, scratching his head. 'The things you learn, eh?'

'Come off it, Harry, you defeated Voldemort, you know how powerful you are,' Hermione said, swatting his arm. Harry grinned.

'So does that mean that any non-magical person in my family could use my wand?' Harry had a sudden vision of Vernon brandishing Harry's wand like a sword. He shuddered.

'Don't know. Don't think so, like I say, it's extremely rare. Maybe part of it came from Dudley's extreme desire to be able to do magic.' Hermione shrugged.

'So, the reason that Ron got caught up in all this was?' Harry asked, standing up and stretching.

'Well, I think Dudley must have been aiming the wand at you when he said the word or whatever it was,' Hermione said, also standing up. 'The wand realigned itself to the nearest person that wasn't you, and performed the spell on him,' she yawned. 'Connie had a lucky escape.'

Harry chuckled. 'So if that's all it was, just some wicked wand-waving voodoo,' surely we can just hand him my wand and tell him to reverse it?' Harry asked, levitating some of the books back into the library.

'Who said we were finished?' Hermione dashed to the library doors and blocked them with her arm. 'Put those back down!'

Harry groaned, but did as he was asked.

'Thank you. And I don't think it's that simple. Like I keep saying, this is very rare, and I doubt it will work again just because you say so.'

Harry threw himself back onto the couch. 'This wand's always getting me into trouble,' he grumbled half heartedly, sticking it back into his trouser pocket.

'Careful,' Hermione chuckled. 'You know what Mad-Eye would say if he saw you doing that!'

XXXXX

'I love him, I do, but he's just…I don't know, he's different when Harry's around!' Connie sniffed, wiping her nose on a tissue Ginny had just handed her. They were in Ginny and Harry's bedroom, where Ginny had found Connie sitting on the bed trying to calm down after her outburst in the living room. 'Different? How?' Ginny asked, patting Connie awkwardly on the back.

'He's so awkward and quiet,' Connie said, throwing the crumpled tissue into the bin by the door. 'I know he feels guilty for the way he treated Harry when they were kids, but he's never really explained it to me…I suppose I just never thought Harry would have this effect on him.'

Ginny frowned. 'Listen, whatever's going on with Dudley, he's just as overwhelmed by all of this as you are.' Ginny moved off the bed and onto the armchair by the door. 'Sorry, I need a chair with a back!' she explained as she eased herself into the chair. 'Ooof,' she huffed as she got settled. 'I can't wait until this thing is born.'

'Do you know what it is?' Connie asked, her eyes sparkling.

'A boy,' Ginny said, rubbing her swollen stomach. 'Harry wants to call it James, after his father.'

'That's nice,' Connie smiled wetly. 'I hope Dudley doesn't want to call any kids we have Vernon.'

Ginny giggled. 'You want kids?'

'Yeah,' Connie said, looking enviously at Ginny. 'Dudley's not sure though.'

'I'm sure he'll change his mind,' Ginny assured her. 'When's the wedding?'

'Next month,' Connie said, gazing fondly at her engagement ring. 'I sincerely hope he's not still attached to Ron by then. It's hard enough finding a tux to fit Dudley as it is.'

XXXXX

'Have you ever met a Dementor?' Dudley asked Ron haltingly.

Ron snorted. 'Yeah, I've met a few in my day,' he said, rolling his eyes again.

'What did you feel?' Dudley asked.

'Bit personal, that, isn't it?' Ron frowned. 'I just kept remembering horrible stuff. Bad feelings, mate. How it felt to walk out on Harry and Hermione when we were looking for Horcruxes. All that and worse.' Ron turned to try and catch Dudley's eye. 'Why?'

'Well, I met some once,' Dudley said quietly.

'Yeah I know. Harry saved your life and almost got expelled for it,' Ron said flatly.

Dudley nodded. 'But what I saw…I saw myself. I realised what a bastard I'd been all those years. And I didn't know what to do with that information.'

Ron nodded. 'I wondered what you'd have seen. Pampered bloke like you.'

'I knew there was no way to make it up to Harry…not that he even needed that anymore. I tried, just before he left to fight Lord…'

'Voldemort,' Ron supplied through tight lips. How could the cousin of Harry Potter have trouble remembering that name?

Dudley nodded. 'I tried to apologise, but I wasn't any good at it.'

Ron raised an eyebrow. 'Well you'd never had to do it before, you were bound to be rusty,' he said scathingly.

'I know you think I'm an idiot,' said Dudley.

'That's one word for it,' Ron said simply.

'I tried to change, you know. I stopped bullying people after that.'

'Wow, well done,' Ron said, sarcasm dripping. 'Listen, you made my best mate's life hell for almost fifteen years, there's not much you can do to redeem yourself in my eyes.'

Dudley shrugged. 'Fair enough. Sorry I got you into this mess.'

'Yeah, I'm going to have to hex you when we're separated,' Ron stated. 'It's a matter of pride.'

Dudley chuckled weakly.

'I'm not kidding. You can feel free to give me a punch if you like.'

Suddenly, the door crashed open, saving Dudley the necessity of answering, and Harry and Hermione burst through.

'Hermione says we're done here!' Harry said happily.

'Yes, I think I've discovered how Dudley was able to use the wand,' Hermione said, sounding pleased with herself.

'I'm going to get Connie and Ginny,' Harry said, before dashing up the stairs to alert the girls to the good news.

'Alright, coming,' Ron grumbled. 'On three then, Dud?'

XXXXX

'So you've worked out how he did it,' Ginny said slowly. 'But not how to reverse it?'

'Yes,' Hermione said, grinning.

'So…tell me again why this is cause for celebration?'

Hermione grin slipped away. 'Well, I thought it was something.'

'But what do we do now?' Ron asked, tugging on his wife's sleeve. 'How can we find out how to fix it?'

'Well, I've gone through Harry's library,' Hermione said, directing more books back to their shelves with her wand. 'And there's nothing left in here. It's pathetically limited.'

'Hey, did you know Hermione's named her wand?' Harry said loudly to the room, prompting a swat from Hermione.

'Did you check this one thoroughly?' Dudley asked, plucking 'Twelve Failsafe Ways to Charm Witches' out of the air as it floated past him.

'Funny,' Hermione said, snatching it back from him. 'But I think Harry was right earlier. I think it's time to visit Hogwarts.'

'Really?' Dudley asked, looking awed.

'How do you propose I get there?' Ginny asked her overprotective husband.

'You...don't? You can stay here!' Harry said, as if it were obvious.

'But I need someone to stay with me! And everyone else needs to go to Hogwarts!'

'You've got a point, Ginny,' Hermione frowned. 'Flooing's out, obviously…'

'Why?' Ginny asked angrily.

'Come on Ginny, you can't spin in a fireplace when you're that size, even I know what,' Ron said fairly. 'What about the Knight Bus?'

'I actually think the Knight Bus might be even less safe for a pregnant woman to travel by than the Floo network,' Harry pointed out.

'I know! Portkey!' Hermione grinned.

'We don't have authorization,' Harry reminded her.

'Oh please,' Hermione batted his concerns away. 'Like they're going to give the Chosen One into trouble for giving his pregnant wife a quick lift to Hogwarts.'

'I hate when you call me that,' Harry said through gritted teeth.

Hermione just smiled. She pointed her wand at the book still in her lap, and said calmly; 'Portus.'

The book glowed blue. 'You'd better take that charm off when we're done Hermione, that was a present!' Ron said indignantly.

'Put a finger on it,' Hermione advised Connie, who did as she was told, apprehensively. They all followed suit, and then there was the hook behind the navel, and the pulsing, twisting darkness that came with travelling by Portkey. Then, as soon as it began, it stopped, and they were faced with the heavy wooden front doors of Hogwarts.

'What in the ruddy hell's happened to Ron?' A gruff voice exclaimed from behind.

'Hagrid!' Harry turned and beamed at him.

'Well this is a surprise!' Hagrid grinned back, patting Harry roughly on the shoulder. 'Oi,' he said, looking at the Ron/Dudley hybrid. 'Didn't I give you a tail once?'

* * *

A/N: Let me know what you're thinking by leaving an overly detailed review! Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: It appears that the more Uni work I have to do, the more I want to write fanfiction. Weird, but I'm not complaining. Also, I'd like to thank all my reviewers so far, you guys have given me great feedback. This chapter is mostly exposition, because according to my plan all the action happens next chapter. So keep an eye out for that, and remember to review!

* * *

'Didn't I give you a tail once?'

Ron craned his neck round to see Hagrid. '_Did you?_' he grinned. 'That's fantastic!'

Dudley whimpered slightly.

'Hello Hagrid,' Hermione said, beaming at their old friend. 'Ron and Dudley have managed to get themselves into a mess with, thus far, an elusive solution.'

Hagrid nodded bemusedly. 'Suppose we'd best get inside then, eh?' He stomped up the steps to the school and swung the heavy oak door open. 'Welcome to Hogwarts, Dudley. Never thought I'd see the day…'

'Neither did I,' Dudley said faintly, heaving himself and Ron through the door.

'Blimey Ginny, yeh must be about ready to burst!' Hagrid said jovially to the red-headed and currently red-faced Ginny.

'Mmm hmm!' she said, gritting her teeth. 'Any minute now.'

'The group reassembled in the Entrance Hall. Connie was gaping, craning her neck to see every corner of the hall. 'Are those portraits moving?' she whispered to Ginny.

'Yes, dear,' Ginny said, ever so slightly condescendingly.

'I think my first port of call is the library!' Hermione said, already itching to get back to her favourite room in Hogwarts.

'We should probably check in with McGonagall first,' Harry pointed out.

'No need,' Hagrid said gruffly. 'Here she is.'

True enough, McGonagall has appeared at the top of the staircase in the Entrance Hall, and appeared to have been stopped in her tracks.

'What on earth are you all doing here?' she asked, astonished. 'And _what_ has happened to Ron?'

'Hello Professor,' Harry said, smiling. 'We've had a bit of a magical mishap. Have you ever met my cousin, Dudley?'

XXXXX

'Who was she again?' Dudley whispered to Ron.

'The headmistress,' Ron whispered back.

'Shh!' Madam Pince hushed them.

'Why did she want to know what we're doing after lunch?' Dudley said, even more quietly.

'Not sure,' Ron answered. 'She explained to Hermione, but I don't think there's any way of getting her out of her current book-coma to explain to us.' Ron gestured at her wife, who was surrounded by books on all sides and had a sort of crazily euphoric look on her face. Her eyes were moving so fast they appeared to be blurred.

'Shh!' Madam Pince appeared behind the nearest shelves. 'Shh!' she said again for good measure.

'Where did Harry go?' Dudley said. Ron could barely hear him.

'With McGonagall somewhere,' Ron replied, trying to match Dudley's volume.

'You can't stay in the library if you're going to _talk_ all the time!' Madam Pince hissed, swooping down on them 'Get out!'

Ron rolled his eyes. 'Just like old times,' he huffed.

Dudley looked suitably admonished, at least. As they shuffled out of the library, Hermione breathed a sigh of deep relief. Their constant chatting had been _so_ distracting.

'What shall we do then, Dud?' Ron said, as soon as they were able to speak properly again.

'I don't know,' Dudley said, looking bewildered. 'Where's Connie?'

Ron shrugged. 'I think she went off with Ginny somewhere.' Dudley bit his lip. 'Hey, are you hungry?'

XXXXX

Ginny handed Connie a worn piece of parchment. 'Here,' she said, easing into a chair in the Gryffindor common room. 'I'd give you a proper tour if I could but -'

'No, of course, it's fine,' Connie said. 'But what's this? And why was I not allowed to go to the Library with Dudley?'

'Hermione thinks Ron and Dudley need to start playing nice.' Ginny frowned slightly. 'Or at least, Ron does. She knew they'd get kicked out of the library early and have to stick together – pardon the pun – for the rest of the day.'

Connie nodded slowly. 'Okay. But what's this?' she asked again, waving the parchment in the air.

'Oh yeah, it's a map of Hogwarts. It's Harry's, be very careful with it. It was his dad's.'

Connie looked at it carefully. 'It's blank!'

Ginny grinned. 'Oops!' she said, grabbing the parchment back off Connie. 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good,' she said, tapping the parchment with her wand tip. 'When you're done, just say – I mean, just bring it back to me. You remember the password to get in here?'

'Effervescence,' Connie said nervously, taking the map back from Ginny. 'Why are you resting in the students' quarters, by they way?'

Ginny shrugged. 'This was my old common room. Dunno where else I'd go.'

Connie looked down at the map. 'Woah!' she gasped. 'It's moving!'

'Rule number one in Hogwarts, Connie. Everything moves,' Ginny said, chuckling. 'Watch out for the staircases, they're especially tricky on a Friday!'

XXXXX

'You want me to _what?_' Harry folded his arms.

'Speak to a Defence Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T. class,' McGonagall repeated, mirroring him and folding her own arms. They sat in McGonagall's office, though Harry still thought of it as Dumbledore's, and actually, so did McGonagall.

'I didn't even sit that exam!' Harry sulked.

'Yes, but I thinking defeating Lord Voldemort would have equalled an Outstanding grade,' McGonagall said dryly.

'You know what I mean,' harry said, sitting forward. 'I don't know any of the coursework or anything they're studying. Hermione would really be a better choice.'

McGonagall stared at him in disbelief. 'You are, of course, joking.' Harry shook his head. 'Harry, you are the saviour of the wizarding world!' Off the look on his face, she hastily added 'I know you don't like to be referred to as such, but Harry, you have a lot more to offer these students than a list of exam results. I'm not asking you to teach the class, just to speak to them! Your credentials as an Auror alone would be enough!'

Harry sighed deeply.

'For what it's worth, I agree with Minerva.' Harry's eyes travelled up the wall behind McGonagall to the portrait of Dumbledore.

'Of course you do, Professor,' Harry smiled despite himself. 'Fine, I'll speak to them.'

McGonagall sat back with a smug expression on her face. 'Nicely done, Albus.'

XXXXX

'With the third law of this and the…no, that's not right,' Hermione muttered, crossing out an unintelligible scribble on one of her many pieces of parchment.

'Miss Granger, dear,' Madam Pince said, appearing next to her. 'Not that it's not lovely to have you back in the library, but you are taking up rather a lot of workspace, and in the library's most sought after studying spot…' she gestured weakly to Hermione's surroundings. Hermione was sitting at a table for eight, and almost every inch of space was covered in her books and notes. A little earlier, a sixth year student had tried to sit at the other end of the table, only to have an oblivious Hermione shove a pile of books into them when trying to make more room for her parchment. After being buried in the heavy tomes the student had, red faced, retreated to a completely different wing of the library. Of course, the books he needed were where Hermione was, so he had to keep coming back and forth between the wings, much to his embarrassment.

Hermione looked up, blinking. 'Oh! I hadn't realised! Why are all of those books on the floor?' Hermione looked at the exasperated expression on Madam Pince's face. 'I'm sorry, but I really need this space!' she said apologetically. 'Here, why don't I do this,' she said, sweeping her wand across the table's surface, causing everything on the table to hover about twelve feet in the air. 'There!'

Madam Pince shrugged. 'Fine,' she said, and disappeared beyond the shelves. The students milling around did not look happy to be working directly under dozens of books, but one look from Hermione and they kept their mouths shut.

'So…the third law…no. Wait…powdered griffin claw would solve that…' she muttered to herself. 'If I can just find the right formula, I should be able to make some kind of potion,' she said, before realising none of her friends were around. 'Excuse me,' she said to the students now sharing her table. 'I have to go. Those books' - she gestured above them – 'should be fine. Don't move anything!'

She scuttled out of the library, leaving the students looking nervously upwards at the slowly spinning books above them.

'If I can work out the spell he cast,' she muttered to herself, treading the familiar path to the Gryffindor common room, 'then maybe…'

She arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady. 'Effervescence,' she said hurriedly, jumping through the hole before it had even swung all the way open.

'Hermione!' Ginny said in surprise. 'What are you doing here?'

'Listen, if we can just figure out the word Dudley said, I think I might be able to brew up a potion,' she said, going to join Ginny at the fireplace.

'That's great!' Ginny said, sitting up a little straighter.

'Yes, and I've found a memory retrieval charm we can place on one of them to find the word.'

'You have?' Ginny asked. 'Then what's the hold up?'

'Well,' Hermione said, wringing her hands. 'I think Ron and Dudley could do with a chance to talk.'

'I know, I told Connie,' Ginny nodded.

'I don't want to perform the spell until Ron, Dudley and Harry are all on good terms,' Hermione said firmly.

Ginny frowned. 'I know that's all morally sound, Hermione, but so we really want Dudley around all the time?'

Hermione looked at her disapprovingly, before softening. 'Not really, but we should still do it. It's good for Harry. But there's something else.'

'What?' Ginny asked, sounding wary. 'Is it going to induce labour?'

'It shouldn't, no,' Hermione said, chuckling a little. 'I think I'm going to need the Half Blood Prince's book.'

Ginny raised an eyebrow. 'You can just call him Snape, you know.'

XXXXX

'What are we doing here?' Dudley said, sounding apprehensive. Ron was leading him down a fairly non-descript hallway in the basement of the school.

'Tickling a pear,' Ron said mysteriously.

'Is that a euphemism?' Dudley asked, only half joking.

'Nope,' Ron said, coming to a halt at the familiar portrait of the bowl of fruit. 'Go on. Tickle it.'

Dudley looked sideways at Ron. 'You're having a laugh.'

'Tickle the bloody pear, Dudley,' Ron said exasperatedly. 'I'm trying to give you a proper Hogwarts experience.'

Dudley hesitantly reached out and, as best as he could, tickled the pear. Much to Dudley's surprise – and Ron's amusement - it giggled and turned into a doorknob, which Ron turned and pushed to reveal the kitchens, as cavernous and gleaming as he remembered.

'After you,' Ron said automatically, before frowning. 'Scratch that. All at once!'

They eased themselves through the door sideways, as was becoming their custom. Dudley's mouth dropped open. 'Wow!' he gaped.

Several house-elves had already made their way to them.

'Master Weasley!' they bowed low in greeting, their Hogwarts-stamped tea-towels brushing the floor.

'Hello you lot,' Ron grinned. 'Got any nosh for us then?'

A few of the elves scampered off. 'I've seen one of these before!' Dudley said to Ron.

'Yeah, he'll be about here somewhere,' Ron said, craning his neck as best he could. 'Kreacher?'

'Master Weasley,' Kreacher came into view, Regulus' locket still glimmering brightly around his neck. He bowed to Ron. 'Aw, get up Kreacher; you know you don't have to bow to me.'

'Kreacher has seen this one before he recalls,' Kreacher said, regarding Dudley with suspicion. 'Is this an enemy of Master Weasley or Master Harry? Why is he attached to Master Weasley's side?'

'This is Harry's cousin Dudley, Kreacher,' Ron explained to the old elf.

Kreacher inclined his head to Dudley. 'Good day, cousin of Master Harry.'

'Your food is ready!' a little voice called out. Several elves had prepared a meal for the two, along with several jugs of pumpkin juice and a tea service.

'Mind if we take it in here?' Ron asked Kreacher, shuffling towards one of the four long tables in the middle of the room.

'Of course not, Master Ron,' Kreacher led them to the table and poured the tea and some juice for them both.

Dudley took a swig of the pumpkin juice before gagging slightly. 'What is this?' He sputtered. 'I thought it was orange juice!'

'Pumpkin,' Ron said, taking a drink of his own goblet.

Dudley wrinkled his nose and reached for the tea. 'That's disgusting.'

Ron rolled his eyes. 'Suit yourself.'

'Master Harry's cousin is unfamiliar with Hogwarts,' Kreacher observed, hovering near Ron's elbow.

'Yeah, he's a muggle, Kreacher,' Ron said, taking a bite of a sandwich.

Kreacher's eyes widened. 'Muggle?' he said suspiciously.

'Easy now Kreacher,' Ron warned.

'This is insane,' Dudley muttered, looking at Kreacher.

'What is?' Ron said, concentrating on the pie that had just been placed in front of him. 'Hey, Kreacher, is Winky about?'

Kreacher nodded and shuffled off to find her.

'This little wrinkly…_elf_ knows my cousin better than I do,' Dudley said quietly.

Ron looked a bit perturbed. 'So?'

Dudley frowned. 'I suppose…I only ever knew Harry as my cousin, this freak who lived in my house…my parents hated him because he wasn't right. And I just went along with it.'

Ron nodded, chewing. 'I know.'

'I just never realised what a big deal he is. Harry, I mean. It just makes it worse that I never bothered to get to know him now I know…'

'What, that he's worth knowing?' Ron said. 'More fool you.'

Dudley had a bite of his own pie. 'It never hit me until today that he saved the world, either. I mean, the wizarding world and my world – they're so interconnected, aren't they? That if something happens to yours, it affects mine?'

'Yeah,' Ron said. 'Harry saved both worlds.' He took another bite. 'I helped, you know.'

Dudley looked at his plate. 'I know.'

'I'm joking Dudley, lighten up a bit!' Ron said, punching his arm with his free hand.

Dudley remained quiet. 'I just wish I'd known him as a friend, like you did.'

'Yeah? Well I shared a room with him for seven years. He snores.'

XXXXX

'…man who needs no introduction, Harry Potter!' The post-Battle of Hogwarts D.A.D.A. teacher, and Order member Hestia Jones began to clap as Harry smiled weakly and took centre stage.

'Hello everyone,' Harry began, before looking to Hestia for guidance.

'Tell us about working in the Auror office, Harry!' she nodded encouragingly.

'Right,' he said. 'It's very hectic – yes?' he said, as someone had just stuck their hand in the air. 'Is it true your wife is one of the Holyhead Harpies?'

Harry frowned. 'Well, yes, but -'

'And she's pregnant?' another voice called.

'Never mind that, did you really slash a kid to ribbons in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom?'

'I heard you flew six Thestrals to London so you could buy yourself new robes!'

'Is it true that you used Umbridge's fireplace to order Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes products?'

'Didn't you turn someone into a sea urchin once?'

'No, that was someone else, I'm sure!'

'Is it true that the bloodstain just on the inside of the front doors is yours, and you made it repel cleaning products so you would be remembered forever?'

'I heard you have a statue of yourself in your front garden. Bit self indulgent, isn't it?'

Harry edges towards Hestia, and, out of the corner of his mouth, muttered 'I'm going to hex this entire class if I don't leave now.'

Hestia grimaced apologetically, and Harry shuffled out of the classroom amidst shouts of 'Do you really have a pet Grindylow from the lake?' and 'What's it like to kiss a ghost, 'cause I've heard some stuff about you and Moaning Myrtle…'

Harry closed the door firmly behind him and headed for the common room. 'I'm going to kill McGonagall.'

XXXXX

Hermione was coughing and covered in soot. No matter how many times she did it, she still wasn't very good at travelling by floo powder. She tracked soot all over Harry and Ginny's library as she searched for the book, but sadly they had no discernable system and it was taking a while. Eventually, after much huffing and crouching, she found the book in its stolen cover, at the end of a shelf stuffed next to _Hogwarts, a History_. Her quarry in hand, she sprinkled the floo powder into magical flames, and was whisked back to the school, where she set about setting up the final stage of the magical antidote in Snape's old classroom.

She frowned. This was unexplored magical terrain. She should really have some input from other people.

Thirty minutes later, after a bit of searching and some misleading advice about where her husband was from Peeves, Hermione stood with Harry and Ginny in front of a packed Transfiguration class.

'I'm telling you, Hermione, this didn't go well for me,' Harry whispered in her ear.

Shushing him, she turned her attention to the class. 'May I present to you…the curious hybrid of my husband Ron and Harry's cousin Dudley!'

The class waited expectantly, as Ron and Dudley eased themselves through the door. There was a collective gasp from the room as they took in the sight.

Hermione grinned. Hogwarts' best and brightest were jammed into this classroom, and she was going to use them to see if she missed anything in her research. 'Questions, anyone?'

A dozen hands shot up. 'Yes?' Hermione pointed to a student in the front row.

'Yeah, is it true that you and Ron, er, consummated your relationship in the Room of Requirement?'

'I warned you!' Harry said smugly, folding his arms and enjoying the look on Hermione's face.

* * *

A/N: I'm not all that happy with this chapter, I'd appreciate your comments, please.


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